Scrumptious Word Morsels

Thanks to Erik and Mike for this one. Let’s watch an enlightening lesson, mmmkay?

Admittedly, I had something else in mind for this post, but when a silver platter is dropped into your lap, you really have no choice but to do something with it. I was getting a car insurance quote from Geico last night (15 minutes can save you 15% or more, right?), and that’s when I noticed a flagrant misuse of the beloved apostrophe. Look at the first item in the right column in the screenshot (click to embiggen) and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Well, Geico, what if I do have more than 9 vehicle’s [sic]? What if I had 9 vehicles’ steering wheels? Or what if I just had 9 vehicles? So remember, kids: plurals don’t take an apostrophe unless you’re talking about lowercase letters (mind your p’s and q’s), but some editors also prefer to use an apostrophe to pluralize capital letters and acronyms (I got straight A’s last semester/my old bank didn’t have enough ATM’s).

In light of my previous entry, I’ve got a bone to pick with nearly every American English dictionary in existence. For the love of everything that is bright and shiny, the holiday we celebrate toady is “Mothers’ Day”, in honor of all mothers. If we wanted to honor one mother (Mother Teresa, perhaps?), it would be “Mother’s Day” (or, more accurately, “Mother Teresa’s Day”). Plural subjects require a plural possessive, people.

Now, I was already thoroughly disgusted by this blatant misuse of my dear language, but then I stumbled across this recent article. Just like the singular possessive version of the holiday that celebrates mothers everywhere, having two mothers is also in strict violation of all natural and created laws governing mankind (or is that “womankind”?). Oddly enough, the author of the article never mentions how she and her “partner” came to be mothers in the first place.

Note: Intrepid readers and stalkers of mine who frequent this site will remember that I wrote “Mother’s Day” back in 2004. This was most likely an unfortunate lapse of judgment, and the responsible parties have been flogged.

I love being a grammar and punctuation stickler because we’re right and you’re wrong. Here’s the best quote I’ve come across so far in Eats, Shoots & Leaves:

To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as “Thank God its Friday” (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive “its” (no apostrophe) with the contractive “it’s” (with apostrophe) is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a simple Pavlovian “kill” response in the average stickler. The rule is: the word “it’s” (with apostrophe) stands for “it is” or “it has”. If the word does not stand for “it is” or “it has” then what you require is “its”. This is extremely easy to grasp. Getting your itses mixed up is the greatest solecism in the world of punctuation. No matter that you have a PhD and have read all of Henry James twice. If you still persist in writing, “Good food at it’s best”, you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.

Thanks to Matt for the book recommendation.